


Five Times Dignam Showed Emotion (Other than Anger)

by cmk418



Category: The Departed (2006)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-29
Updated: 2007-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:47:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27902470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmk418/pseuds/cmk418
Summary: He couldn't be pissed off and sarcastic all of the time
Relationships: Billy Costigan/Sean Dignam
Kudos: 3





	Five Times Dignam Showed Emotion (Other than Anger)

**Pride**

A smile crossed Dignam’s face when he looked at the appointments for the day. “Finally taking my advice,” he said to Queenan.

“Let me see how he does.”

“Standard drill?”

“What do you think? Don’t go easy on him.”

“Of course, wanna make sure the kid doesn’t blow his load too quickly.”

“That’s ‘blow his stack’,” Queenan corrected, hoping like hell it wasn’t a Freudian slip on Dignam’s part.

Dignam shrugged. “Whatever.”

“Wipe that stupid grin off your face. We’ve got five interviews to get through before your golden boy even shows up. If he shows at all.”

Dignam took a deep breath, readying himself for the day ahead. Six interviews to get through, but only one mattered.  
....................

When Costigan left the office, Dignam beamed at Queenan. “Go ahead, admit it. I was right about the kid.”

“I’m just glad he didn’t kill you in front of me.” Queenan smiled at him. “Good job.” 

The smile on Dignam’s face grew. He, Captain Queenan, and Billy Costigan were gonna be the ones to bring down Frank Costello. He could feel it.

**Fear**

The wire had gone dead. Nothing seemed too unusual beforehand, just an ordinary conversation between Costello, the trainee, and French. But sometimes, things happened so quickly that...

Images of French strangling the life out of Costigan flashed through his brain. Or Costello walking behind the trainee and slitting the boy’s throat while talking calmly and casually to French. Those guys were sick fucks, capable of anything.

Dignam didn’t want to think about it. Had to get out of the room. He took off the headset and walked away from Queenan and the surveillance team.

He walked into the bathroom and managed to get into a stall, just before puking up the contents of last night’s dinner. He staggered back out toward the sinks, rinsed his mouth off, and surveyed his ashen face in the mirror. The words he said to Queenan _“Think he’s dead already?”_ came back to haunt him.

Billy. Dead.

The investigation. Dead.

If anything happened to the trainee, Dignam would never again be able to trust his instincts with regards to the job. He brought the kid in on this because he knew in the depths of his soul that Costigan would be the one to help them finish it. 

The eyes that stared back from the mirror were wide. His breathing was shallow. His heart raced. He’d been through this before, more than once, and each time was worse than the last. This time, he’d be the one responsible. Trainee wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for him.

He paced the room, glad that there was no one else in here to watch him achieve meltdown. There had to be something, anything, for him to hang his hopes on.

Billy. Dead.

The investigation. In limbo.

Until they found somebody else. Until Queenan found somebody else. Then they’d get Costello.

Nodding at his reflection, Dignam watched the fear leave his eyes and the resolve snap back into place. He went back into the surveillance room and let out a slow, relieved breath on Queenan’s pronouncement.

“Your boy’s okay. Just needs to lay low for a while.”

**Lust**

If anyone asked him what the favorite part of this particular assignment was, he’d say, "Building a case against Costello.” But, if he was honest with himself, the answer to that question was always, “Frisking Billy Costigan”. Ever since he first laid eyes on the kid during training exercises, Dignam had wanted to be able to get his hands on that body.

Trouble was, Queenan was always with him. Always. It was like he knew Dignam’s interests in Costigan ran further than this investigation. With that in mind, Dignam always took great pains to do everything by the book and tried to make sure that he was the one who would check Billy for weapons when they had a meet. Sometimes, when Dignam was feeling particularly in the mood, he’d try to mentally push the trainee hard enough in order to have Costigan go after him physically. There were times when he didn’t succeed, but the times that he did lived on in his mind.

Today marked the first time that Queenan couldn't make it. Dignam walked through the cemetery, where they’d agreed to meet Billy, eyes shifting left and right, constantly on the lookout for trouble.

And _there_ , was trouble. Placing flowers on a grave, and looking every bit as beautiful as in Dignam’s dreams.

“Let’s go,” Dignam said, sensing that Costigan was not going to spill his guts while standing at his dead mother’s graveside. He motioned Billy towards a group of nearby mausoleums. When they reached the closest one, Dignam said, “C’mon, trainee, you know what to do.”

Billy turned his back to Dignam, spread his feet apart, and placed his hands on the stone building. Dignam took his time, tracing his hands down every inch of Costigan’s body.

“Find anything you like, Staff Sergeant?” Billy quipped as the hands left his body. He turned to face Dignam.

And was caught off guard by the lust in Dignam’s eyes.

Billy’s immediate reaction was to back up a step, but his back was pressed flush against the stone wall. He balled his hands into fists.

 _Jesus,_ thought Dignam. _He deals with murderers all day long and this freaks him out?_ Dignam shook his head and took a step back. “Relax, Billy,” he said, as he took a pen and small pad of paper out of his pocket. “Tell me what you got.”

Billy hesitated a long moment, until he could see that Dignam was back in his professional mode. He gave a few details of the current plan, gradually relaxing his hands and then the rest of his body. 

“Is that it?” Dignam asked when Costigan stopped talking.

The trainee nodded.

“Sixteen months of work and this shit is all that they’re giving you? I could have typed this up without leaving the office. What the hell good are you?”

Costigan swung a fist, catching Dignam’s jaw, then launched himself at the Staff Sergeant. Dignam was on his back with Billy on top of him. _Damn, the kid was fast._ Billy grabbed him by the hair, bringing Dignam’s head up in order to slam it back into the ground seconds later.

 _Not exactly the physical contact I was looking for,_ Dignam thought.

Billy pulled him forward again so that they were nose to nose. “Is there some reason why you persist in being such a complete dick?”

_One simple movement, that’s all it would take._

_The slightest lean forward, and-_

“Fuck you, Staff Sergeant.” With that, the trainee let him go and walked away.

Dignam ran a hand through his hair, freeing mud and grass in the process. Belatedly he wondered what had happened if he’d have rolled over, taking Billy with him.

_Now that was the stuff that dreams were made of._

**Grief**

No one talked to him when he made his way back from lunch. There was a hush over the place that wasn’t normal. It made him a bit nervous. The girl outside of Queenan’s office, not Marsha, told him that Captain Ellerby wanted to see him.

Dignam sat in Ellerby’s office and listened to the news that his commanding officer had been killed. Queenan. Gone. The man had been like a father to him for the past ten years. Nobody else would be able to work with him. Nobody else understood him. His entire life was spinning out of control.

And who was taking over? That prick - Sullivan. Things just went from bad to worse. Queenan dead, Costigan missing, a two-week leave of fucking absence. He’d lost a mentor, a friend, and a job what seemed like ten minutes.

When the elevator reached the ground floor, he stayed rooted in his spot. He watched the doors about to close again, then managed to press through the crowd of people to get out. Once in the lobby, he brushed past a skinny brunette on his way towards the door. She reached out and grasped his arm.

“Hey, are you all right?”

_Jesus, was he that transparent? And what the hell business was it of hers?_

“Sorry, you just look like you needed to talk to somebody.” She handed him a business card.

Madolyn Madden. _A fucking shrink._ He handed the card back to her. “Keep it.” 

The mask was back in place. He wouldn’t be losing it again.

**Relief**

He watched Sullivan’s body fall to the floor. Dignam lowered the gun to his side. His shoulders relaxed a little as he stepped over the body and through the open door. 

It wasn’t until he was out on the street, blocks away from Sullivan’s apartment, that it hit him. It was finally over. He stopped, drew a ragged sigh of relief, then continued walking, a little lighter in step than before.

Just like he predicted, the three of them – Queenan, Costigan, and himself – brought Costello's crew down. Dignam didn’t expect to be the only one left, but he saw the job through to the end. It was the least he could do.


End file.
